Come to me

The past few months have been tough. I've felt apathetic, angry and far away from the faith I grew up with. I've been doing more and more for God than ever, helping to lead a connect group, worked for a church, seen amazing answers to prayer and had some great friends around me. Yet it feels like the fire has gone out, I've got more questions and doubts than ever and I feel like my life has been flipped upside down and crashed to the floor like the last time I attempted to flip a pancake. This is probably in part due to other people, whether intentionally or not, upsetting me or not being there. More so it's to do with myself, my insecurities and forgetting God in the midst of my wants and needs. But there's still part that I can't explain. It's like even though I'm still doing the same things on the outside, they've lost meaning on the inside. It's like what I'm searching for is deeper than standing in a big building singing words from a screen, letting the person next to me enjoy the sweet fragrance of Lynx Africa. I've grown tired, lazy and bored of blindly going through the motions. Every time I walk into church I know how I need to act, what I need to say and how to act in order to fit in, regardless of what is going on on the inside.


But I'm tired, I'm worn out and I'm burnt out.


I want something different. I want something deeper. I want something real.


When I look at Jesus, the lifestyle he modelled wasn't boring, it was full of life. Everything he did had a purpose, he lived with a rhythm that perfectly balanced being filled and being emptied of the love of God. And he never blindly went through the motions just because that's what was expected. He didn't worry about what people thought of him, he reminded us that living for God isn't about following rules, judging others or looking perfect on the outside. It's about relentless love, service and sacrifice. It's about being with people, being present and real and not covering up our weakness and pretending we are perfect and have it all together.


I'm not perfect.


I've made mistakes, messed up and hurt people.


I'm broken, fragile and hurting. I'll never live up to the rules and expectations of religion.


But that's OK.


It's OK that I'm not OK, because I was never designed to be OK on my own. We were never made to live life on our own.


In the book of Matthew, Jesus said:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11:28-30 The Message)

I want some of that rest.


I'm tired of trying to do things on my own, I'm tired going through the motions. I want to start an adventure with Jesus, and rest in him.